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I don’t cAirPods™

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I don’t cAirPods™

Harper Wood and Gabby Newlin, North Staff Writers

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BrOkE? More like woke. Some of us decided not to waste $160 on vanished-into-thin-AirPods™. If you did, well, this article is for you. Are you listening, or are you too busy looking for your headphones? No that’s not them, that’s a white rock. The rock is probably worth more than you and your AirPods™, though, at least as far as a contribution to society is concerned.

“I don’t lose them, they don’t fall out,” you may argue. Well, maybe not for you. Some of us have clean ears, which means they don’t stick in ours the way they do in your nasty ears, you filthy animal.

You’ve stopped listening to the people around you. I understand that by taking your AirPods™ out to listen to me talk, you run the risk of losing them. But this problem has a simple fix, I assure you.

Buy. Corded. Headphones.

I mean, is there literally anything else standing in your way? If you take them out, can you still not hear me over the sound of BROKE, BROKE, BROKE? You may believe that you are on a higher echelon than me simply for owning the AirPods™, and regardless of the fact that you are wrong, you can still respect me as a human being. Besides, I prefer the term “financially responsible” over the word “broke”.

Do you wear the AirPods™ so you can’t hear people calling you a rich jerk? Well, pal, allow me to inform you that you’ve created this problem by wearing the AirPods™ in the first place. Unless you’re naturally a rich jerk even without them, in which case, go on. This article isn’t for you. The AirPods™ are a part of your nature now. You and the AirPods™ are one.

Dropped your phone? Sucks for you. The last time I did that, my wired earbuds saved it. Have fun paying for a new screen on top of your earbuds. Who’s broke now?

Did you read the symptoms associated with buying AirPods™ before you chose to purchase them? Are you wondering why you never get invited to parties anymore? It’s because those AirPods™ make you an unbearable jerk. Not that you would have been invited in the first place.

AirPods™ are not special. They contain less product than wired earbuds. Apple removed a feature, and you are paying more for it.

Feeling bored? We aren’t. We’ve spent the last seven hours untangling our headphones, which we can do because they have cords to untangle. But you can’t do that. Apples are the very fruit that almost killed the innocent Snow White. The poisoned apple in our society seems to be AirPods™, created by the evil witch Apple in her quest for money and power, cleaving society in half in the process.

You may think you are flaunting your economic status by wearing your AirPods. You are not. You are cutting yourself off from the world around you and losing life experience as well as our respect. Please, reconsider this decision. It’s never too late to change.

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